Sjogren’s Top Tens — Top Ten Lists (of all time)

Top Tens – Top Tens (of all time!!!)

Top 10 Ways You Know You’re in a Bad Church

10. The church bus has gun racks
9. Staff consists of “Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor”
8. The Bible they use is the “Dr. Seuss Version”
7. ATM in the lobby
6. Services are B.Y.O.S. — “Bring Your Own Snake”
5. Choir wearing leather robes
4. No cover charge, but communion is a 2 drink minimum
3. Karaoke worship time
2. Ushers ask “Smoking or Non-Smoking?”
1. The only song the church organist knows is “Innagaddadavita”

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Top 10 Ways You Know You’re Having a
Dysfunctional Family Christmas Dinner

10. Your brother says to you “Hey, what are you doing here?”
9. After opening presents, everyone gathers around the piano and sings Louie Louie.
8. The eggnog is sugar-free, low-cal, fat free, low sodium…and spiked with Ex-Lax.
7. Some one gave Uncle Bob a gun for Christmas…and he works at the post office.
6. It’s at a bowling alley.
5. The Nativity has all Star Wars action figures in it.
4. The garland on the tree is made of carefully woven cigarette butts.
3.Your family actually fights over who gets the fruitcake.
2. A guard knocks on the door & says “Visiting hours over in 5 minutes.”
1. Dad forgot the pizza again this year.

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Top 10 Worst Father’s Day Gifts

10. A tie. Any tie. Any size. Any shape. Any Color.
9. Annual replacement underwear.
8. Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” Workout Video.
7. Anything with “Old Spice” on it.
6. “A Day at the Madison” gift certificate.
5. Soap on a Rope. Why?
4. An unmarked brown paper bag with Rogaine in it.
3. Martha Stewart’s “Better Living with Tofu Cookbook”.
2. The Complete John Tesh CD Collection.
1. Potpourri for his sock drawer.

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Top 10 Rejected Easter Songs

10. Cadbury Fields Forever.
9. I’m So Egg-cited.
8. Hop This Way.
7. Chocolate Haze.
6. I Started a Yolk.
5. I Want to Hold Your Ham.
4. Theme from Hare.
3. Sheepslidin’ Away.
2. Hard-Boiled Days Night.
1. Hareway to Heaven.

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Top 10 Ways to Finish Your Fast

10. 6 words: Cheez Whiz, Cheez Whiz, Cheez Whiz
9. Steve takes you out for a blob of tofu…and you like it.
8. Taco Bell–and none of that “Border Light” garbage.
7. Spam, sour cream dip, hamburger, Twinkies…and a blender.
6. Ponderosa buffet–“Get the sneeze guard outta the way and gimme a fork!”
5. Stop drooling around Skippy, your pet hamster.
4. Skyline 17-Way–with a side of Cheez Whiz.
3. Buy a shirt in the bookstore–“I fasted for 3 days and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
2. Drive 85 mph through Norwood, get pulled over by cops, and ask where the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts is.
1. 347-1111.

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Top 10 Ways We Can Relieve Overcrowding
at Vineyard and Stay in this Building

10. “A through F, Saturday 6pm Celebration. G through L…”
9. Steve starts a 47 week series entitled “What would Jesus say to Art Garfunkel?”
8. Take home really cool virtual church helmets–now available in the bookstore!
7. New sign out front: “You must be taller than Scooby Sjogren to enter.”
6. One word: TICKETRON.
5. Convince neighbors to let us do pre-school ministry in their homes.
4. Change church motto from “Come as you are, you’ll be loved” to “Come when you want, we’ll be here!”
3. Replace chairs with cramped airline seating.
2. Every week show Bengal highlights from last year.
1. New Monday Sunrise Service!

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Top 10 Returned Christmas Gifts
from the Pastors at the Vineyard

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Top 10 Signs You’re a Shopaholic
(some of these were re-worked Letterman items)

10. You get a daily wake-up call from Sears.
9. In his state-of-the-union address, President Clinton thanks you for spurring economic growth.
8. Everybody knows your name at the Vineyard free gift wrap booth–and you don’t even go to the Vineyard.
7. Your last four serious relationships were all with mall cops.
6. You’ve dropped but somehow you continue to shop.
5. Your family puts your picture on milk cartons.
4. You come to all six celebrations when you discover the new overflow section in the bookstore.
3. In a private audience with Pope John Paul II, you ask “How much for the big hat?”
2. You were really convicted by the book “12 Steps for Shopaholics Anonymous”–so you buy eleven more.
1. Visa blisters.

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Top 10 Signs of Spring in Cincinnati

10. The sound of birds hacking in Norwood.
9. Marge Schott comes out of hibernation.
8. Tree buds, tulips, & orange barrels.
7. Annual Easter egg hunt at Mount Rumpke.
6. Steve seen cutting grass in madras shorts and black socks.
5. Vineyard starts a new celebration…Oh wait…that’s every other month.
4. Old pigeons return to Fountain Square from Ft. Lauderdale…and they’re wearing white belts.
3. Only two inches of snow.
2. It’s still warmer than Dayton.
1. Two words: YOU CAN’T!

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Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear
at Thanksgiving Dinner

10. More Cheez Whiz?
9. Joey, get your finger out of your ear and pass the rolls!
8. We had the same stuff last year…Wait a minute–This is the same stuff!
7. Food Fight!!!
6. Welcome to Burger King…
5. Can I have the toothpick when you’re done?
4. Turkey, Shmurkey…Pass me a Slider.
3. Pull my finger.
2. Does this look infected to you?
1. One word: SPAM

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Top 10 Favorite Songs about Thanksgiving

10. “I Want to Hold Your Yam”
9. “These are a Few of My Favorite Wings”
8. “I Can’t Get No Second Helpings”
7. “Give Peas a Chance”
6. “Red Butter Ball”
5. “Cranberry Fields Forever”
4. “Feelin’ Gravy”
3. “Take It Greasy”
2. “We’re Off to See the Gizzard”
1. “Inna-Gobble-Da-Vita”

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